That's You & Me, Babe

A Summer of Love

The last few months have been particularly chaotic but somehow still managed to be enjoyable. The girls and I traveled to Indiana for a 3 week stint in my & Husband's hometown. Husband drove down every weekend for weddings of friends and one special one, the wedding of his brother. We had a good time reliving the moment we recited our vows to one another and experienced many new moments of wedded bliss of our own. June 5th was our 6th anniversary, and 3 duty stations, 2 kids, and many learning experiences later, here we are. Still going, stronger than ever after living through moments that have brought us to our knees. It is only now, 6 years into our marriage, nearly 10 into our relationship that I'm even beginning to fathom what it means to join your life with another. I'm realizing that I have a pinhead's worth of knowledge in this skull of mine. In the moments where I feel Husband and I have had an epiphany, I am thinking more of what I still do not know than of what I just discovered. Life is certainly about loving and losing- losing yourself in God and each other, and loving so much, so hard, that it hurts. It will hurt. To love so much will mean pain, no one says so on your wedding day, it's all rainbows and sunshine then. Then again, statistically speaking, who would tell you? Your divorced parents? Your bachelor uncles? Your virginal friends? All dear to you but what could they offer up? Then, I have to say, so what if they could have told you, warned you, advised you? It would have been a drop in the bucket full of advice from well meaning loved ones. This, this substance that makes up love and a life together, is had on a personal & intimate level and even then, you just didn't realize how deep down it existed- the seam welded between you and your spouse. After searching for more, for better, for something else within a relationship, you begin to realize, that if you're doing it right, you won't be able to tell where one of you begins and the other ends. In moments of joy and goodness, that seam between you nearly evaporates, both existing so soundly together. In times of struggle and rebellion, the strength of that seam is tried and tested and all but ripped apart.

For better or for worse - a life together, we have chosen. And so did the friends and family that married over the summer. And knowing what little, what nearly insignificant amount of knowledge I've gained from my own matrimonial state, I say to them: Ride out the bad without blinders and stand in awe of what another human being can cause you to feel. Cling to the fact that you must love as deeply as you hurt, because if you did not, it couldn't hurt so much. Enjoy every second of the good realizing no one can guarantee any of the moments we have as happiness is not a promise but a state you work for every day. And finally, one I know both Husband and I didn't realize until this summer of love: it will be work, every day will be work, but if it is struggle, you're doing it wrong.

Peace & Love

First Prints

I got my first prints off of this camera from Nations Photo Lab and they look amazing. They also have superb customer service, I can't say enough good about them.

Got Moo cards for PunkSnap Photography as well (www.punksnapphoto.blogspot.com) and they are so cool! Very heavy cardstock, great quality, just beautiful. I can't wait to get them out to the parents of the kids that have let me photograph their kids as of late.

Because we all need a rhinoceros

Life as of Late

Now that we're finally leaving cold winter days behind and the sunshine visits me regularly, I'm a much happier, more well adjusted woman. We've been staying steadily busy and we're looking at a major increase in busy-ness over the next several weeks - visitors for 2 weekends in a row, 3 weekends of weddings, some odd weekends off, the besties from VA flying in, finding out if Husband makes Chief, Disney, birthdays, holidays....well basically we're booked from now through February 17th of next year (DD#2's 1st birthday). I'm happy to stay busy because the truth is when we're not, and all of our time is spent wrangling our two little ones at home, we go kinda stir crazy. We complain that we're tired in the mean time, but really we're no more tired than usual - we may as well be making memories while we're at it. I've re-established contact with a couple close friends in the last few weeks. One, it's amazing, I feel like we're both going through very similar things in our very different lives. The other, the other is comfort food. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm grateful for the conversations I've shared with both of these individuals and my goodness, to have friends. What a blessing. Before all you steady friends of mine get all up in arms about this - don't, I don't discount you for being constants, I applaud you for sticking by me for so long. It's funny really how full-circle some things in life will become. Having a friend come back into my life at a very difficult time for them sparked the most honest conversation Husband and I have ever had with one another. It was amazing and I am completely grateful that it happened. It was as if Husband, who I thought I knew through and through, revealed this hidden dimension to me...and I was amazed by it. By the rawness of it. By the complexity of the emotion he had about his own situation. I have forever considered him a black & white kind of guy and for the first time in a decade of being together, I saw his gray emerge. I was also allowed to say what I've been trying to say for so long but just never quite had the guts to do so. I remember telling him after many hours staying awake entirely too long that I didn't want to speak or move because I was afraid that the clock would strike midnight and our coach would turn back into a pumpkin. I'm glad to say that didn't happen, not completely any way. A new plane opened up and we're existing there simultaneously right now. I hope neither of us sinks or swells outside of it.

Her Blogspot Debut

Photography on the mind...

Creating outline for my photography hobby turned "business." I use the term loosely as I don't plan on making this a full-blown affair (i.e. opening a studio, buying $10,000 equipment, etc.). However, the flood of compliments and requests for photos is making me wonder if God is leading me to it. I'm scared as hell at failing. I'm going to try my hardest to trust that if people love my pictures and are asking me if I'm available to photograph their children, they must see some talent in me. Mostly, mostly I just get so much enjoyment out of capturing a moment in a life and then giving people that moment on paper. It sounds corny...but it's true. So I'm going for it (insert love and support from adoring friends & family members in the "comments" section...).

Roar

Tipton Trips, Weight Watchers, Photography Fun...And Alliteration

I don't even know what day it is...Wednesday? the 13th? 14th? I don't know - ah, yes, Wednesday the 14th - so in another day, my good friend, Katie, will be released from captivity (she prepares taxes for Americans living in foreign countries). Maybe a girls weekend is in sight! Speaking of, we have had 2 really outstanding trips home to Tipton in the last couple of weeks. The first was our first venture out of the house with a 6 week old and DD#1. We made a stop in Munster, IN, at a good friend's house and made it to Tipton at a normal hour (10:30pm on a Friday night, not bad at all!). Had an open house for DD#2 and got to introduce her to the family & friends we have at home. It was truly wonderful. In true Kendall fashion, something that was just going to be "cake, pop, and beer" turned into a feast of Panera soups, cheese plates, Girl Scout cookies, fruit trays, and of course the cake, pop, and beer already on the menu! My family is pretty amazing and they're givers...if I can say anything about them as a whole, they all give and all the time. My dad's girlfriend spent days and days cleaning up the pole barn for us (she always takes good care of us too) and it looked fantastic. I don't know what happened to me, but I saw the glimmer of freedom in being with so many responsible adults, grabbed that freedom by the reins and rode that b***h into the ground! Drank what was probably way too much but we were surrounded by sober friends and family members that generously watched the girls so Mommy & Daddy could have a night off and we took it. Don't think it was easy - I was quite concerned that any time we go home, someone is watching them for us so we can go out and do something else...my drunken emotional self was having a hard time understanding it was ok. It still doesn't feel ok, but I know they don't really mind. I was kidnapped by some friends I knew from high school (who I never had the pleasure of actually hanging out with then) and we all went to the Crossing which I had never been to. Ran into an old friend but couldn't really have a conversation with him by that point so I'll have to FB him and see how he's doing. Anyway, the point is that it was the most fun I had in months. Husband, my brother, and my friend's boyfriend (who I didn't remember being there, oops!) showed up later and we just had a laid-back good time. Sunday was Easter, 8:00am mass, then a day of familial gatherings - all of which were a good time. DD#1 was cracking us up while egg hunting. I'll try to post the picture- she just didn't realize that the big white thing her hand was on was a giant egg. She looked and looked for the last one. We had a great weekend that time around and were eager to go back the next weekend for DD#2's baptism. Father K graciously allowed us to have her baptized there after getting a letter of good standing from our church in Wadsworth. We filled 3 or 4 pews with family and friends so it was a good thing we decided to change the location to Tipton. Everyone thought it was a beautiful service and they were right, we are so very blessed...life doesn't get much better than those moments. We even got to stay at our grandparent's house with my mom, cousins, aunt & uncle. My brother had a cookout the next day for everyone and we had such a great time- corn hole, friends, family, good food, it was so much fun. We're never ready to leave and at the same time...it wouldn't be the same if we lived there. Being away teaches us to cherish each other or at least, it has certainly taught me that but the leaving gets no easier.

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On another front, I am starting Weight Watchers again today. Going to try the Core plan this time as the thought of counting points just stresses me out. It's going to be hard to not eat breads...so hard, but I can do this. I want to lose 50 pounds in 5-6 months, which I've done before. When I did WW the first time, I was 30 lbs heavier than I am now, so though I lost 50 lbs that time around too, I put 20 back on. I think I've got about 50 to go to get back to my high school weight, and 50 from there until I'm in my proper weight range. You do the math and you can figure out just how bad it is. But, posting it here will help me stay accountable. My perception of myself is that while people see me and know I'm fat...it isn't necessarily the first thing they see about me. I've always been active and I'm trying to get back to that activity level along with eating more healthily.

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As you know, I am a photography enthusiast. I finally purchased my first dslr - a Canon Rebel XSi, this past week. I bought an EF 50mm f1.8 II lens as well and have been having a good time getting to know it. It was great to just pull the camera out and take "snap shot" types of pictures at the cookout that were worth something. I've taken some nice shots of DD#2 as well but not with the better lens - those were shot with the kit lens. It's good to get a feel of how a zoom and fixed lens differ. Definitely good exercise to take shots with a fixed lens! I started a photo blog, www.chromaticmusings.blogspot.com but I haven't posted there in almost a year. I plan on picking that back up again too and really making something of it. We'll see where the photography stuff takes me...but for now, it's something I just love to do, for anyone, at anytime!

4 weeks 4 days

Only 2.5 months have gone by since my last post...

Well, she's here! Our second daughter arrived on February 17, 2010 by a scheduled, repeat c-section. I thought I'd share her birth story. I'll try not to be too graphic but as the saying going "There's no modesty in childbirth" and I have to assume that if you're reading this blog, you want to know about my life!

After months of anticipation, the big day arrived just like any other. We got up entirely too early (4:45am) in my opinion but we had to be at the hospital by 6:00am. DD#1 woke up to send us off
(secretly I was thrilled to get to give her a hug & kiss before departing) and Grandmomma wrangled her back into bed so we could leave without incident. I vaguely recall the drive to the hospital (a 20-30 minute affair). It was dark, it was February, and winter was very much still upon us. It was an uneventful morning until we arrived to the Women's Center parking lot at Lake Forest Hospital. We were in a hyper-aware state at this point. On the other side of those sliding glass doors was a medical team waiting to cut a human life out of me. We were feeling the anxiety and nerves start to creep in on us. Husband pulled around the drive. The parking lot was basically empty but for 3 or 4 vehicles sprinkled here and there. I prepared myself to exit the vehicle as I saw that we'd be able to park right near the entrance. I unbuckled my belt, grabbed my bag, and impatiently waited for Husband to pull into a parking spot. But he didn't. He just kept driving. Away from the door. The one that we needed to go into. I broke into the screaming silence with "What are you doing?!" At this point a few things happened: 1) He slammed on the brakes. SLAMMED. 2) My body was crushed up against the dash and my head hit the windshield. 3) We dazedly started yelling at each other. After we stopped bickering long enough for him to actually park and for me to furiously exit the vehicle, he timidly said to me, "Are you ok?" to which I replied, "No I'm not fucking ok!" and then the comedy of the situation overcame all of our anxieties and we immediately burst into laughter. This is typical behavior for us (and for many, I think). When Husband gets sent off for his job, the week directly prior is usually hellish between us. We get so wound-up being stressed about being apart that we pick fights. The pain of being separated is too great, so we replace it with anger at one another. Anger will get you through a lot. Anger hurts less than lovingly missing someone. It is a dysfunctional coping mechanism. Anyway, by the time we got up to the check-in desk our little tiff was forgotten. The nurses were waiting on us to arrive and happy to have customers to serve (the maternity unity wasn't really a poppin' place that day). We were ushered into a triage room where I was gowned and promptly put onto monitors and then asked a series of questions. Andrew decided he'd step out to use the bathroom at which time the nurse asked me "Is there any history of physical or mental abuse [from your husband]?" Now, I think that is serious stuff, but I almost laughed out loud at the question because I wondered if she'd consider him trying to eject me through the windshield of our vehicle, abuse? After some blood work, an IV(which they put in my wrist and I loved vs. the back of the hand) a few phone calls to family, and after Husband got decked out in his real scrubs (he was tickled by this, I think) it was time for the anesthesiologist and my doctor to come in and brief me on what was going to happen once they took me to the OR. Dr. Anesthesiologist (as I called him because I promptly forgot his name, oops) was extremely informative and reassuring. I was to have a spinal block which differs from an epidural in a couple of ways. The spinal block is an injection of aesthetic into the fluid around the spinal cord. It is a pre-measured amount of medication and once it's in, it's in. There is no adjusting the amount or the effect, however, the effect is a deeper numbness and it will wear off within a few hours of the section. An epidural places a catheter into the epidural space for the duration of labor (or will be left in during an emergency c-section and medication will continually be fed into it such as with the birth of DD#1). The spinal block takes effect almost immediately (i.e. you better turn and swing your legs up onto that table or you're going to suddenly feel like you're falling over and that your lower half is gone!). The epidural takes 10-15 minutes to take effect. So anyway, I was to have a spinal for this birth and in hindsight I'd choose it again in an instant. I had far fewer sensations with it than I had with DD#1 though I felt no pain with either. I warned Dr. A that I had promptly vomited after DD#1 was born. I wasn't sure if it was the pressure from the large man pushing on my abdomen to shoot the baby out or if it was anesthesia related. He felt it was unlikely to happen again but took note. At this point, Dr. Gandhi poked her head in, said she was going to change her clothes, and then we'd get started. They took me into the operating room and this is when the fun started! I was instructed to sit on the side of the table and tuck my chin to my chest, drop my shoulders, cross my arms in front of me and hunch forward into a ball. Miguel (a big teddy bear sort of man who was the first surgical assistant) kept me from falling off the table and helped me to stay hunched by sort of hugging me against him. I was given injections of a local anesthetic into my back so that I wouldn't feel Dr. A digging around with his giant needle to place the block. They stung. I won't lie, makes you suck in a little air. Soon as they took effect he began the 15 MINUTE LONG procedure of digging around in my back, scraping my vertebra with his needle and doing this in a couple different spots a couple of different times. Now, I don't blame him at all, he was an excellent doctor but man was it hard to stay still and hunched and BREATHE! with a giant baby in me while someone uncomfortable jammed around in my spinal column. Eventually he did get it placed, I could sit up momentarily to breathe again before they had me swinging around to lie down. Then my second favorite part of the whole experience happened. My blood pressure dropped, I started seeing spots, and you got it, I started dry-heaving. Ever tried to puke lying on your back when you can't feel the muscles that expel the matter in your stomach? It's fun, you should try it some time. Basically all you can do is turn your head to the side and wait for it to pass. This went on for 3-5 minutes before my blood pressure stabilized. Uh, told you so, Dr. A. By this time everything was getting super numb. They hung the curtain up and finally Husband was allowed to join me again. He came in rarin' to go, I think. He stood by my head and looked and looked at whatever they were doing. I asked him 3 times to sit down. He was making me nervous for him. I was fine with what they were doing, and maybe by some miracle he could have watched, but I know him. He can't handle it. It doesn't make you less of a man honey, but seeing your wife's insides isn't really something you're supposed to be able to stomach. Don't bother trying. Dr. A had him sit down and from then on Husband was really attentive to me though I have to be honest, I was starting to zone out at that point. I could see a clock from where I was lying, but I couldn't tell you even time was even passing by then. In the foggy crevices of my mind I knew it must be but I just couldn't feel it passing and I sort of let myself drift off, not asleep, just to Elsewhere. I think I was still talking to Husband. No idea really, we'd have to ask him. Dr. A told me that Dr. Gandhi is quick, she gets in, gets the baby out, gets me put back together, and is off like a flash. She was, too. In triage prior to the section Husband was doing a little dance for me to lighten things up. He had taken on the persona of a Hibachi chef imitating one as if the chef were the doctor and then did a motion with his hands indicating that he was flipping the newly born babe up into his hat. Maybe you had to be there, but it was hilarious. Anyway, after some yanking and tugging, I heard a gurgling cry and Husband was pulled away from my side to attend to her. I could hear her and could understand that she was ok though I really couldn't tell what was happening anymore. Husband says that he saw her and exclaimed about how little she was to one of the nurses who promptly rebuffed that! At 8:37am little dear daughter was born weighing 8lbs 12oz and was 20.5 inches long. Finally after ages (or minutes, it was hard to tell) she was brought to me all bundled. Husband showed me her head of dark hair already an inch long! They both left my side then to go get Baby checked out and the last few things I recall were the sound of them stapling my incision closed and then being told to cross my arms on my chest and not to move while they put me in a hospital bed. The recovery room was the best. She was there with me. Not in some nursery I'd never seen. They had her bed and a pediatric nurse there right next to my bed checking her out. I was alert and getting quite loopy by this time - the duramorph had really kicked in). It was just me, Husband, Baby, and our nurses. It was fantastic. I got to watch her first little bath in the sink, I got to hold her, nurse her, everything. It was amazing and so very different from DD#1's birth. I realized in those moments what I had missed out on (not by choice, by hospital policy) in Chesapeake. I was on cloud 9 experiencing the excitement of just having had a baby and loving every little moment with her. When we got to our room (which was amazing, btw) we got all settled in and started making the familial phone calls. I have no idea who I talked to or what I said. I apparently told my dad "I am feeling a little loopy. You might be used to it, but I'm not." Cracked him up, I imagine I was being completely serious when I said it though, haha! The nurse put on some kind of circulation socks that are hooked up to a machine that fills them with air and keeps the blood in my legs moving around to prevent DVT. Those were itchy and hot. Late that evening after the spinal had worn off, catheter had come out, and I had a good dose of pain medicine, I was allowed to walk. It hurts like hell. But, it wasn't the sobbing experience I had had the first time. I was prepared this time and knew what to expect. I made it to the bathroom with a nurse and Husband on either side of me. It felt good to move again. The next few days were a blur of visitors (I loved having visitors, it was wonderful) nurses visits (the BEST nursing staff - I will forever compare all hospital interactions with this one and these nurses were AMAZING), and rest. This hospital had the best food. We had a menu, called a number, and they brought anything you wanted on the menu. Husband and I frequently shared. He had a twin size fold out bed too. He was really taken care of and we never felt like he didn't matter (Chesapeake General basically talked to him like he was a sperm donor). Baby was healthy and nursing well though she was experiencing jaundice do to our incompatible blood types. That issue ended up being a bit of a roller coaster ride because she was take on the bili lights too soon and ended up needing one at home for a couple days. No big deal but a pain. Our check out day was slightly stressful because of finding out her bilirubin levels had doubled and I was having some pretty extreme swelling (that only got worse) in both legs. After an ultrasound to determine that I didn't have a blood clot (deep vein thrombosis) and the run around trying to get Baby a bili blanket we finally left at 5:00pm, six hours after we thought we would. All in all I think it was the best possible birth experience I could have with a c-section. The first one I was sent home with a Rx for Percocet and Motrin and needed an extra refill. This one I was sent home with Lortab and even had a few left over. Says a lot about how well taken care of I was. DD#2 will be 5 weeks old on Wednesday. I can't believe how the time has flown by and I'm trying to soak up every moment with her and make a memory out of it. This little family of four is blessed beyond measure and so happy : )

A Winter's Day

My Blessings

This last year I struggled. I struggled with my faith not being good enough. I struggled with feeling like I had no goal or aim in my life. I struggled to love the life I lived...and to live the life I loved. I felt guilty almost constantly...not a good enough mother, friend, wife, daughter...person. I thought that there was no way God would want to save or protect me and my family because frankly, I didn't deserve it. What I know about my relationship with the Lord is that I deserve none of it, but he gives His all for me and to me. I knew this then but just couldn't feel it. I also knew that the distance and space I felt between Him and me was hard for Him too...but necessary. My entire life, through bad and good, I've felt God working. I've never lost my faith. My prayers were answered...almost easily. I think God was trying to show me that He works in my life and is present. It was a child's relationship with him. Faith solidified by getting what I asked for. Faith solidified by constantly feeling Him with me. God needed me to grow up and my relationship with Him needed to mature. I worked hard to find him this past year. What was so frustrating was that he continued to bless me and my family and while I knew he was working in my life I couldn't find Him. He also allowed me to struggle through a few non-blessings. It wasn't cruelty, but He needed me to rely on Him even when it felt like it couldn't get worse, or when it seemed like He wasn't there. I couldn't communicate with Him or see Him communicating with me. I prayed without feeling like I was being heard and I worshiped without feeling like my faith was present. Something broke in me one night. I sobbed to my husband and told him that never in my life had I wanted to have a sit-down conversation with God like I wanted that night. I was desperate. I've never felt such desperation in my heart or experienced it in my spiritual life, I was on my knees. The next morning we went to church for the first time in a long time....months, actually. Not going to church wasn't a reflection of my faith, we just...got lazy. Well that Sunday morning lazy wasn't an option and either God was testing me or the Devil tempting me because as I recall Daughter was throwing a fit, the shirt I had put on got something on it, we were running late, you know the drill. We conquered and overcame and when we got to church, I knew He was speaking to me that day. My favorite Bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and hope" was front and center. The homily spoken was of focusing on the eternal life Christ gives His children - and that while we should look to it and for it, we cannot neglect the finite life we live on His earth. I changed that morning. God had been on the outside looking in for the last year of my life and I knew He knew He had me. We acknowledged each other that day in a way we never had. I felt my faith again. Since then, I've had a few days here and there where my own fears and anxieties have taken over. I've battled emotions that were out of control. The difference since that day when God told me He knew His plans for me, and that I have a life to live, is that I've overcome the days where I was feeling down. I've prayed and felt comfort. I've sought and found. He is fully present again...somehow I feel like I passed His test for me - and He knew I would all along.

As you know we are expecting our second child, our second greatest blessing. I am in love with my life. It seems an odd thing to say...but this kind of love I can only compare to one other best love I've ever felt, falling & being in love with my Husband. I can't get enough of life and I'm enjoying it again. I'm so grateful. I can't imagine why the Lord sees fit to give me these people, these beautiful beings that are my children and husband. I only know that they fill me up, that maybe they complete my bigger purpose, though a humble one, of being a wife and mother. I've never aspired to be anything else and I've never been as good at anything else as I have been at these two roles. It is the one area in my life where I don't feel mediocre - I am meant to succeed at caring for these individuals, my life's purpose, my blessings.