Too much of a good thing is a....

So I had this dream about Michael Weston (the main character on Burn Notice). We were getting shot at, I was quickly learning how to use a semi-automatic and we were running from the Bad Guys. Mr. Weston had suffered a leg injury so I was dragging him as fast as I could to the train station where we were receiving secret messages from operatives on our side, via the schedule monitor. I don't know if we made it. It was rough.

Last night I was battling wits with a genie who was rather...mischievous. We were constantly changing shape, location, transportation mode (at one point I turned myself into a fly, then a fish, then I managed to dissolve so that I could pass through the metal grates that shop owners pull down over there doors when they're closing up). I believe this battle was taking place in Japan as I recall a Pagoda like structure coming into play at some point. The genie was doing his best to outwit me. I don't know who won that one either.

When I was in high school, I had a dream about God and the devil. In the dream, I was standing in the street of my home town at Main & Jefferson. God locked the devil in a huge black box and blew it up...I never saw either of them, only knew that was what was taking place. At least I know who won that one.

I dream every single night and usually, they make little sense. The last couple of nights have been adventurous to say the least. I have recurring dreams about tornadoes and water that has gators, crocs, or sharks in it. In my waking hours I fear tornadoes and water(ponds, lakes, oceans...not necessarily moving water). Though my fears invade my dreams, I've never been "gotten." I think the fear of tornadoes comes from growing up in the Midwest and hearing those sirens one too many times. The town we live in now tests them once a month. I believe the town my mother used to live in tested them daily at noon. If you've never had the pleasure of hearing them, consider yourself lucky. There have been many times in my life when I've taken shelter in a basement, bathroom, or pole barn (though I doubt it was really much protection). If you've had the unfortunate experience of having your home destroyed by this kind of disaster, my heart goes out to you. I imagine the the fear of water comes from seeing JAWS at too young an age. I frequently watch documentary types of shows on sharks, alligators, crocodiles, and tornadoes. I think it is a sick fascination with things that give me the creeps. Sometimes I have to turn it off and remind myself I'm actually sitting on a couch, in a living room, not a cloud in the sky, not an alligator for several hundred miles at least.

It's funny what you come to fear, either rationally, or irrationally. I would say the above are fairly rational. They will kill you. Irrational fears, like the one I have for bugs...is a little less justifiable. I'm not trying to be a "girl" whatever that means, nor unjustly demonize the little critters. There is something so prehistoric about insects and arachnids that makes them seem...untouchable. Plus...they're ugly. Aesthetically speaking, there are few "bugs" that I would ever want to gaze upon. That makes them even more scary. In college, our floor sponsor was an entomologist at the university. He had access to all kinds of creepy-crawlies. I bravely went to a small gathering where a group of us, maybe 10 of us, got an up-close and personal view of the creatures that gave him a job. He brought giant cockroaches, one of those several-inch-long millipedes, a couple spiders, and I can't recall what else. I cried the entire time. Cried. I was 19 years old and crying at the mere sight of bugs. No one understood what my problem was until two of the giant cockroaches got loose and one of the tarantulas started lifting the lid of his cage. That's right. Lifting. The. Lid. I left at that point, but I tried. I knew then as I know now, none of those creatures will hurt me. That is what makes a fear irrational, there isn't really a possibility of a bad outcome, yet I fear them still.

I don't know if I'll ever overcome any of them. I think bug therapy would actually involve touching them and that isn't something I'm willing to do in order to no longer be afraid. I'll keep my craziness, thank-you-very-much. The other two, well hopefully I will never know the fear of seeing a funnel cloud touch the ground and come straight at my house. If I some day find the courage to go snorkeling, there is a good chance I'll encounter a shark in the wild. If I don't suck water into my snorkel at the sight of one and manage not to drown myself...I just might conquer that one.

A Rant...of Sorts

I came across some information today - and anyone who feels like they have been categorized for a medical, religious, racial, or other reason can probably appreciate this. The information I read (via multiple sources) says that obese pregnant women double certain birth defect risks. All of the articles said it in such a way, that they wanted you to know exactly what kinds of risks you were doubling (neural tube defects, heart defects, cleft lip/palates, the list goes on) without citing the fatality rate of the defects. Paragraphs are spent defining what your weight could potentially do to your unborn child. Before I go further, I need to say that I am well aware that being overweight or obese is unhealthy, a fact I don't dispute. I don't have any medical reasons for my weight (a thyroid disorder or PCOS, for example). I am a classic case of the calorie amount I consume is greater than the calorie count I burn. I'm not proud of this, it is a vice, check yourself, I bet you have them too. It is just that mine is displayed on every inch of my body so it invites comments and judgements from individuals. Consider it a blessing that I can't tell that you play video games 13 hours a day and therefore have no real-life relationships or that you have an internet porn addiction that is ruining your marriage. Anyway, the articles I've read go on to finally give you some kind of hard data from medical experts and this is where I want to flip my lid - many experts say ridiculous things like "We don't want to scare women" or "Remember that birth defect rates are only between 2-4%." Firstly, statistics and credible sources are what gives information validity. The fact that obese pregnant women are faced first with the scary "facts" about their condition and then with the less-alarming statistics is horrendous. Don't all pregnant women perpetually worry? Why make it worse? I agree that this is a subject that should be addressed by your physician before you get pregnant but what if you find yourself to be pregnant but are already obese? You're not allowed to lose weight while pregnant either. You are in a no-win situation. You're scared out of your wits because no mother wants to put her child's life at risk and there is nothing the medical community will allow you to do about it. What is the point? Why direct these articles at the every-day citizen at all? Why not direct them at the medical professionals that care for these women. I don't mean to take the responsibility off of the obese woman. It certainly is something we should want to inform ourselves about before becoming pregnant, but in all honesty, it didn't occur to me to do so. What is worse is that no one seems to tell us how our high BMIs increase the risks. What can we do to change our situation? Losing 100 lbs overnight isn't an option. Should we take a higher dose of prenatals? Obviously a healthy diet is extremely important and more so when pregnant, will eliminating certain things completely decrease the risks? Why aren't these answers in the articles written "not to scare women" but presumably to inform them AFTER the fact. What a joke.

I have to further say that I got the very uncomfortable feeling that my own doctor wasn't using her brain to think about my own situation. She saw fat when she looked at me. She saw unhealthy. My daughter was born 12 days overdue. She was a large baby, 9lbs 1/2 oz. When I explained this to her, she made a tsk-tsk face but never considered what she knew to be true. Babies gain about 1 lb per week in the last weeks of pregnancy. If my baby had been born nearer her due date, she would have very likely been in the healthy 7 lb range. That is within the normal weight range of infants. My obesity, my eating habits, they didn't hurt my child. They didn't cause her to be too large. I didn't have gestational diabetes. I HATE that when I questioned my doctor about VBAC that she gave me a very generic "most second babies are larger than the first" kind of speech. Um, HELLO, there is no scientific study that says so. I also don't plan on allowing subsequent children to be 2 weeks late (therefore increasing their size). If I were to have a c-section at 39 weeks, there is no evidence as to why that baby would be a 10 lb child! I hate that my own doctor didn't look at the facts only the fat. She went straight from obese mother to large baby. She didn't look at due date at all. I just want to scream. Why? Why am I a second class citizen because of my weight? I decided after thinking about this for the last several hours that I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop taking to heart the medical doctors who refuse to see the person regardless of what their medical problems are. I am not going to be afraid. I'm going to keep working on me, me physically, me mentally. I am not going to rejoice in my unhealthiness, but simply accept me at any point in my life as I think all human beings should do. Accept and make a resolution to always move forward in their endeavors whether slowly or quickly. Whether now or later. I will just do my best to be aware of my body and my health and the health of any babies that may come for us down the road and I think any mother, obese or not, pregnant currently or not, can appreciate that.

Title: Swing Time

Another Weekend

Summer is flying by without really being all that hot, sticky, or miserable. We are fortunate to now live in a mild summer climate but at the same time, I wish it would warm up enough to enjoy Lake Michigan a bit more! We got out of the house yesterday by late afternoon. Husband and I were really looking forward to eating a buffalo chicken sandwich from Denny's. Unfortunately, when we got there, we discovered the air conditioning wasn't working. It was pretty warm but the sandwich and their fries especially, were really good. Daughter had Goldfish crackers which she loves, mozzarella sticks, and chicken nuggets. None of which offer any really nutritional value but we were all splurging a bit. Ran some errands to Michael's Craft Store to pick up supplies for a friend's birthday present. I actually just finished making it. Looks pretty good if I do say so myself. She won't get it until later this week so I can't post a picture of it yet. Anyway, we went to the park yesterday too which is something we haven't done in ages so everyone burned off some energy and we all slept well last night. Husband and I have been at each other today. I don't know that either of us is truly angry about anything, just one of those days where we can't shake our bad moods. I'm trying to be cheerful for the sake of Daughter but she woke up determined to have a miserable day too. Guess we'll just have to sleep this one off.

We decided to try cloth diapering. We ordered a bumGenius diaper (which came to roughly $24 with S&H) and I am a HUGE fan of Etsy.com, so I ordered another through bumJoy. Her diapers look almost identical and the price difference is really significant. We decided to compare the two on Daughter to see which we like better. Can't wait to get them in the mail this week! I have had my reservations about using cloth, mostly, the extra laundry seems a bit daunting. Someone then pointed out to me the convenience of knowing you don't have to run to the store, you don't really ever "run out" of diapers, and that is so true. Plus, while initially it seems like a big investment, once you save up and buy all the diapers you will ever need, you won't nickel & dime yourself throughout the months, making it a lot easier to budget. A good friend of mine uses cloth and doesn't have any problems, I plan on using her advice for pointers and such. Anyway, I'm really excited to see how it goes!

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On another front, you ever just want something so much, you're afraid to pray about it? It sounds a bit silly...but I think some of you will know what I mean. Afraid to hear the answer, afraid to admit you don't have any control of a situation, so therefore afraid to ask the Big Guy about it? I've found myself in this situation recently. When I get really worried about it, I feel out of control and at the mercy of fate? God (as if we ever aren't at his mercy)? Murphy's Law? I then try to tell myself that my world won't end if it doesn't work out. Yet, I think that somehow, part of my world might, just a little piece. It's hard to feel like I'll be holding my breath for awhile and when I can finally breath again, I'll let you know. If any of you out there are believers in something bigger than yourselves, can you send up a little prayer for me?

Title: Tell Me Your Secret

So, what hasn't happened lately?

Last time I wrote, 5 days ago, it was the day before the 4th. We spent our Saturday at Husband's co-worker's house. His wife and two sons were all so kind to us. We had a great time, played some Rummy (which I have to brag, I won by a landslide - doubt that will happen again!) and later got out Yahtzee (of which I lost, again, by a landslide). It was great to hang out with some people. The boys kept Daughter entertained which was so nice of them. Hopefully we'll get to hang out again soon. I started to feel queasy so we headed for home and didn't really make it to see fireworks. Once we got the baby to bed though, we watched from our bedroom window for a bit, we could see 3 different villages lighting off their pretties. Sunday & Monday both passed by rather uneventfully. I convinced Husband to consider getting Daughter a small pet. We went to Petsmart, and gathered information while daughter excitedly checked out all of the animals. Eventually she started to melt down and we had to go. Much to Husband's surprise (and relief) we came home without any new pets. I think I'm glad for it, at least for the time-being. I still am not feeling too well so another creature to care for sounds less than appealing. We went out to eat at Joe's Crab Shack and decided that place is permanently off of our go-to spots. It is really expensive, the service was awful, the food mediocre, and what really bothered both of us is the lack of some kind of bread or roll to tide you over. Not that either of us need more food, but we just realized how little we're getting for our money. We'll leave seafood to the coastal cities & there will be plenty in our life, I'm sure. Monday was rather boring, sent Husband to the store with Daughter & had a relaxing hour & a half to myself. Yesterday was Husband's first day back at work after the long weekend and I managed to pace myself and get some things cleaned up in here. Today though, I don't know what I'll get accomplished, if anything. Daughter is in the worst mood of her life. We've been up for 2 hours and she has been in and out of time out for about 30 minutes of that two hours. The rest of the time she is throwing a fit, crying, hitting, being naughty and mean. I just got done dealing with a poopy hand - apparently she felt the need to stick her hand down the back of her poopy diaper. AHHHHH. And now, instead of blogging, I'm going to lay my head down and watch her play before I puke on someone or something.

Passing the Time

Man, I've gotten lazy. I know, I know, my goal with all of this was to write every day. Well, I'm not going to. I might get better, but I think I burned myself out initially. The last several days have been rather uneventful and yet, I feel like we've been busy. I had an appointment on Wednesday, that went well. Abby was in daycare all day on Wednesday too...yesterday was fine, had a play date in the morning, took a nap in the afternoon. Those kids wore me out! We had a blast though. We did finger painting. I had drawn animals in stained-glass style on pieces of wax paper. The kids painted on them, and when you flip them over, it looks very remotely like stained glass. Amy, another mom, brought little wooden bird houses to paint. Daughter loved hers. She meticulously painted with her brushes and patiently tried to coat each side of the house. Absolutely adorable. Husband and I were looking forward to our two favorite shows, Burn Notice and Royal Pains, which weren't on last night after all. He has a 4 day weekend and has been working on our built-in office project. We put a counter top and shelf in a large closet near our kitchen to use as an office. So far...it could be going better, but bottom line, it will be done eventually. Yeah, I said eventually. He is brilliant but unorganized and I feel like this project is really showing that. I've been pursuing information on starting my own photography business. Between the start-up money, the income tax requirements, and not knowing whether or not I need a business license, I'm really at my wits-end. I would LOVE to do this, but I'm really struggling with whether now is the time or not. All I can do is keep working toward my goal and I am not giving up, just trying to practice patience - this could take awhile. My two bests and I haven't had much time to talk. Everyone has such completely different schedules and we are all so busy, it is hard to keep up. We do a lot of texting. One has got men on her mind. The other has got men and everything else on hers. I hope we get to see each other again this year. Time flies and it passes painfully slowly, funny how it never seems just right.

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I recently read a couple passages from the Bible that really put life into perspective for me when I get into a rut. The summation - tomorrow is promised to no one. Many live this idea carelessly by "living it up." I find that the idea that my tomorrow, my husband's tomorrow, and even my child's tomorrow is not promised to them or to me - it makes me hold them a little longer. It makes me utter "I love you" a little more often. I find myself sending up whispered prayers for their safety and for our next sunrise. It inspires me to try to be a better daughter, mother, wife, and friend. It isn't easy, I don't always succeed. At the very least, though, I know I get it. I get what life's all about. I am forever grateful for that because I don't feel like I miss anything. I live and I love without regret. I often remind myself of the most simple of verses but one that certainly puts the tiny grain of sand that is my life into perspective - He must become greater. I must become less (John 3:30). This is His journey, and I have been blessed to be a part of the human race, the history of mankind. I am thankful for each day because I know my days are finite. I know that all of us here on this earth now will cease to be here some day. I often think many don't get this simple reality. I try hard to never forget, to keep on loving, and to gently remind all of those who may have forgotten, that it isn't too late to change.