Party of One

I'm writing early today...I've got stuff on my mind and just want to get it all out. I'm involved in a play group, which I've mentioned a couple of times. I really enjoy the social interaction that I have as well as the opportunity to do something fun and different with Daughter. I am awkward when meeting new people. It is so hard for people to get to know me, and I know that. Still not completely comfortable in my skin and I think that it shows. A few of the moms and kids that I've met a few times I really love. Well, actually, there isn't anyone I've met that I don't like, but I know that there were a couple moms I clicked with in particular. Anyway, I still haven't made any friends...and I will be honest, I don't know if I will with this group. I think I will make a lot of good acquaintances and that will be all. That doesn't reflect poorly on them, they have all been kind to me and accepting. I think that...I have just become more careful and choosy with friends because I don't think I fit into any particular niche. I don't find fulfillment in much of this suburban lifestyle. I'm not a soccer mom. I ABHOR driving a minivan...I know that seems trivial, but I sort of feel like a vehicle can be another form of expression. I'm not trying to express that I have a horde of kids that I need to run to practices and appointments and that I live a very typical, straight-laced lifestyle. With that said, I appreciate all of those things, they have a place in my life. Anyway, I feel like much of the lifestyle in the area I live in involves this sort of green-living, liberal, don't-your-kids-know-3-languages by now, kind of deal (and I haven't gotten this from the girls at playgroup, this is just a very broad observation)...that isn't my thing, I won't say that is a wrong thing, it just isn't my thing. I know I'm sounding judgemental, you don't have to tell me. I'm in a mood and I don't mean to offend though I'm sure I will. I just hate not having a way to fit in. I'm a Catholic woman that has tattoos and dresses a little punk one day and a little preppy the next. I enjoy beer and hate sports, I don't care if you like the Cubs or the Sox. Don't. Care. I have a motorcycle licence and can't afford a bike(in time or money). I like my home to feel a touch contemporary, but just...relaxing and I hope that it looks well thought out. I have certain unique political views that most would dub conservative but I'm not a Republican. I'm not a Democrat either. I'm not in the middle, I'm on the outside of this bi-partisan mindset that has gotten Americans into trouble. My views are my own, and I apply them to everyone, no exceptions...and I don't expect people to like it! Why would they? But I have to be true to my God and myself first so if I'm given the opportunity to voice an opinion, it will be voiced with my political and spiritual viewpoints in mind. Some people may think this means I'm a "set-in-stone" kind of person, which isn't true, how can you ever learn anything if you aren't willing to allow your opinion to be changed? I am a country girl but love the city...I guess that is why I really love Chicago. I feel like it is the perfect mix of the kind of people you would find in a small town, where you can smile at a stranger, enjoy a polite conversation with the check-out person at the grocery store but still have endless possibilities in what you can do and where you can go...and who you can be. I can hide in a city and yet feel more freedom to be myself than I feel when I head home to the 5 stoplight town I'm from. Even my two best friends, who I love with all my heart...even we are finding out how different we are. You ever have a moment in your life when you feel so....alone? Alone in your beliefs, opinions, hobbies, interests? Please don't get me wrong, I'm not taking a "holier than thou" attitude, I don't feel alone because I feel right or righteous for that matter. I think that part of my problem is that I still buy into certain stereotypes...but I have to say, why do they exist in the first place? A stereotype doesn't just pop-up because one or two people do something the same way - it exists because a multitude of people do. And that is actually a good thing. All of those people will have a place to belong...at this point, I almost wish I fit into one myself. I know, I know, this is turning into a pity-party. I'm not sad or upset...just befuddled, I guess. I have no choice but to keep on keeping on so I will go with that. I imagine almost everyone feels this way at some point in their life because, after all, we're not as different from one another as we'd all like to believe.